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Losing The Ones We Love
I’ve been wondering about how change really happens. It seems to me to be one of those foundational questions. How do we get from where we are to where we need to be? So, I invited a dozen really big thinkers (and feelers) to talk to me about their corner of the world on Kelly Corrigan Wonders and at the end of each conversation, I summarized my takeaways. I share them here in the hopes that they will be useful to us all as we inch our way toward something better.
On end-of-life in America:
In the wake of losing my father and my friend, both of whom died as they wanted, in hospice, I wondered how dying and death is changing and could/should yet change more. BJ Miller, a bestselling author and palliative care doc, is about the best person in America to have this conversation with. BJ offered his own stories as well as his takeaways from being at the bedsides of hundreds of people as they left this world.
- Death is not the opposite of life. Death is an integral part of life. Think of it as the last song in the musical.
- Celebrate neuroplasticity. We are built to adapt. There is lots to be learned from coming apart and reforming yourself over and over.
- If you value intimacy, allowing your brokenness to be seen is a good first move because: game knows game.
- Thanks to the coming silver tsunami, the national conversation around death is about to radically accelerate.
- Deferring joy, or repair, or contribution, assumes a future no one promised you.
- Beware the if/then thing, e.g. “If I eat well, if i exercise, if I forgive, if I donate, if I volunteer, then I will live.” We have to decide that the outcome is inconsequential to the value of the experience.
- If you are trying to live a life without needing anyone, you are essentially signing up for half a life.
- A well supported psilocybin or ketamine trip can be a miracle.
- Human beings are not just their bodies — not even close.
Many thanks to BJ Miller whose work at Mettle Health is essential to the national conversation on how we die. Learn more about BJ here.
