Girls, It’s OK to Give Up Sometimes

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A letter to my children based on this conversation.

Dear girls,

You’re going to hear and see it a thousand times in your life: never give up.

Public figures like politicians love the chant — they conjure a hunched and determined Winston Churchill the day he entreated his country to stay in the fight against Hitler’s army or murderers. Coaches will shout every imaginable variant and derivative, striving to match Vince Lombardi’s iconic winners never quit and quitters never win. Parents too. (I believe I may have said it myself when you tried to quit piano and cross country.)

Forgive me for contradicting my younger self but unless it’s a game of solitaire, it will be more complicated than that.

Whether you’re in a relationship that’s more tension than romance or a job that’s more belittling than developing, giving up — in short order and without too much hand-wringing — is a skill you’d be wise to cultivate. Sometimes you have to quit something because the goal was too specific or misguided. (Wanting to ‘write a book’ is good. Achievable and within your control. Wanting to ‘be a bestselling author’ is not so good.)

So, girls, may I send you off into your future with this in your ear:

• You may stop trying to make your hair go in directions it doesn’t want to and your legs be longer than they are.
• Paella, souffles, baklava, these are supposed to be enjoyable pursuits. If they turn you inside out, leave them to professionals.
• There are reasons to quit a friendship. You can let a few peter out, it happens all the time.
• Not only can you but you must back away from a man who squeezes your arm in frustration before he becomes the man who bruises you. Pain is inevitable; injury isn’t.
• If a job just cannot be made to work, you may log off the company laptop one morning and walk. (A good plan for the afternoon and the following day helps.)
• You are allowed to quit eating meat and be the vegetarian at the dinner party though don’t expect to leave full.
• Marriages end, as they sometimes should. You can quit on being married to Tim without quitting on being in loving relationships.

Key distinction here: we don’t quit things because they’re hard, we quit things because they’re wrong. We quit to make room for better. So untie the bundle of expectations from on your back; it makes the walk too hard, the slope too steep. And redirect your energy to what matters most.

Love,

Mom

Kelly Corrigan and Nadia Bolz Weber wonder about the wisdom of Never Give Up

I came to most of these thoughts during a bang-up conversation with writer/podcaster/minister Nadia Bolz Weber. Listen here.

My takeaways:

1. When in doubt, with all things, ask yourself who is benefitting and who is being harmed by a certain teaching?
2. Just because you watched a documentary on mountain climbing doesn’t mean you should pack for the Himalayas.
3. Maybe we should celebrate stories of resetting with the same enthusiasm we show stories of never giving up.
4. Ambition can a deceitful master — know what your real goals are. (Per the example above, writing a book and getting rich are two very different things.)
5. You probably can’t be absolutely anything you want to be and that’s really okay.
6. There is no justification for shame.
7. Grit can easily morph into grind. Misery is not a reliable signal that you need to dig deeper.
8. Some things end — marriages, careers, creative pursuits. It’s possible to recast them from failed to complete.
9. There’s a difference between giving up and letting go.

Thanks for reading, sharing and leaving comments. If you loved the pod, please post on your social feed. There are officially 1 million podcasts — people are desperate for personal recommendations. (And I read every last one.)

Thanks, K

ALSO, don’t miss Nadia’s podcast The Confessional.